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Really need help on this one


CA2OR

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So this question regarding a sensative subject, my brother in law. As most of you know my wife and I just recently had our first child(clap). We are getting ready to take him to California in June so he can meet the rest of the family, which is where the problem comes in. My wife's sister married this guy, who has convictions for things that would most likely upset most of you, if not all.DOH!. I know it bothers me(flame), makes me want to have a...hmm..."talk" with him if you know what I mean.(enforcer). Point being is when he comes over to my mother in laws house with his wife, my wife and I are COMPLETELY against him holding or even touching our son(nono). How do you say "I dont want you touching him" without upsetting the household?(scratch) Is there any way to approach this that would eliminate as much frusteration or at least minimize the upset caused? My wife's family is all about just accepting him and letting the past be forgotten but this is something that I just can't forget or overlook. PLEASE HELP ME! I know this is pretty much scandalous but it is what it is, I just need a game plan here.(plotting)

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This is how I would handle it...

 

If your goals are:1) protect your child 2) keep peace in the house 3) not have to deal with this everytime he is around, then this is what to do.

 

When you see him, you ask to speak with him alone for a minute. You politely, yet firmly express that you and your wife are uncomfortable with him holding your child and for everyone's peace and hope that relationships can move forward, you ask that he honor your wishes.

 

This "buries" the unspoken words that should be said, this lets him know that he has to watch himself, this lets grandparents have a peaceful house and be happy, and this keeps your child at least on level one safe.

 

You've got to step up and be the man for your wife and child. Tough if he doesn't like it. Next step is seeing relatives separately.

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Well first off I think the family being upset is second to your childs safety and your peice of mind, they will get over it. Secondly, I would guess that he is on some kind of probation/parole, or required to register if he is a sex offender ( I only assume that is the crime your referring to) so it would be a violation of these for him to be around children in most cases. I think you are on the right track I think I would just tell the family that you don't approve of his past criminal behavior and you aren't going to allow him to handle your child, or just let him hold the child and hover right around him, watching his every move. That would probably make him uncomfortable enoughg that he wouldn't want to hold the child for long. Just my humble opinion.

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Coralreefer: Oh, I am not worried about man'ing up. I just want to keep the peace so to speak. I do like your suggestion, makes sense. The only problem is he is ignorant and always resorts to physical altercations to settle disputes (which again is fine with me) however I am no longer the 15 year old hot head that I once was. I have grown and matured and find that most "should" be settled with simple conversation. I feel that to be a protective and good father I should protect him from any and all threats, which is my goal here.

 

Fpd4308: your assumptions are right on que. However, those laws pretty much only protect children outside of the family. I find that my personal morals and value's make him out to be a dirtbag unworthy of any respect. Subhuman if you will. Almost a disgrace to the human race to referr to him as one of us. Me personally I would like to do all a favor and remove him from exsistance, however I wouldn't be able to be much of a father at that point.DOH!

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This is how I would handle it...

 

If your goals are:1) protect your child 2) keep peace in the house 3) not have to deal with this everytime he is around, then this is what to do.

 

 

You've got to step up and be the man for your wife and child. Tough if he doesn't like it. Next step is seeing relatives separately.

 

The child is #1. THERE IS NO 2nd outside of your wife and you. If it involved rape or child molestation. (scary)(threaten)Then not even seeing the person is appropriate. Family protection and self preservation is always first. Period. If your afraid of this person, you may need additional family intervention, family or not. Your going to have to stand up. Buck up.

I think it has been said now 3 times. I pray you don't need to be told again. I realise it isn't easy. It never is. Just get it done. I have gotten into severall faminly members faces with the fear of getting myself violently harmed. Standing gard over them over eighteen years. Nasty stuff. But I will protect them and mywife up to my dying breath. Sorry, I didn't mead to bring myself into it. It's just stuff we live with.

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Yes I am in total agreement, I will protect this little guy as long as I breathe. He is and always will be my number one priority. I am willing to step into whatever danger I must to protect him and his interests. I think the question isn't so much on whether or not I "should" do something as much as it is what I should do. I am thinking that it might be best to address before we even fly out there, a simple "I don't want him there" should suffice, shouldn't it? I mean I don't want to say something like "if he shows up I am beating him" as the remaining family I am sure wouldn't be very appreciative of that approach no matter how true it may be.

 

Might as well put it out there as many are already guessing. Yes, he was convicted of raping, by force as if there is another way, a 16 year old girl. Apparently there were threats and all included. I believe he was like 28 at the time, since then he has shown how much he changed by repeatedly cheating on his wife, who is complete denial. God, this guy erks me to my core.

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You don't have to apologize for this guy being a dirtbag. And no one is suggesting that you aren't up for the task. However, it is easier to "see how things go" and keep the peace, than to get down to business first thing.

 

There is no easy way to do this as this is most vile of crimes. There is no middle road...no compromise. My initial suggestion puts you on the offense, him on the defense and keeps family members at ease.

 

By the way, it is odd that your wife's family is willing to give this guy a "free pass".

 

Or handle it ahead of time. No brother-in-law at reunion, please.

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OH, yeah I have no interest in Brother in law at family reunion. I don't even consider him family. I have every intention on preventing Dexter from doing the same. I would be so much happier if Dexter just thought of him as some guy that his aunt brings around.

 

Ok, so what I am at is basically there is no easy way out here. Just gonna have to put it straight forward and take it from there. Thank you all for the input.

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You know. I think you know what to do. You sound like a pretty intelligent squared away person. You would be surprised how many people wouldn't have even put a second thought into letting turd brother-in-law around their kids. Unfortunatly I see this a lot. I applaud you not being an enabler to this scrote bag and realizing that going down and stomping a mudhole in him (even though its probably well deserved) isn't appropriate. I say if you wanna keep peace, not necessarily with him, but with the other family members, you let them hold the child when sister and bro in law arent around and when they come around just make up some excuse why you have to hold your child ie. the child is tired, hungry, sick, fussy ect right now. That way you get to share your little bundle of joy with the ones you want and you don't start any Jerry Springer style family brawls.

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You will run into many challenges. Hubby & I decided that "we" are the family. No matter if it's just uncomfortable or a true threat like the one you know about remember its you two against the world. Seen and unseen threats are every where. Buck up and be ready to state your wishes for "your" child. He maybe some one else's grand child, nef, cousin and so on. He is "your" son. Be ready to protect, fend for, die for for the rest of your days. Their will be more times like this to come. If your at ease with your feelings than you know your doing, being the best parent you can be.

 

"WE" live & lived by this motto and have 2 adults with pretty good heads on thier shoulders and "yes" we sleep well at night.

 

Beckie

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My #1 job is to protect my children...if it upsets others than so be it. I have had to be very blunt with an inlaw a time or two. I dont know what kind of jaded past this person has, but if there is any type of abuse or molestation then the guy would not come near my childre. Enough said :) good luck man.

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I wouldn't go to Calif. I would send a couple plane tickets to those who couldn't afford to come up and see the new part of the family. If he wanted to come up I would tell him over my dead body.

 

There are a few kind of people who I wont put up with in my life. One is someone who would do anything to harm a child, second is a thief, liars are a close third. I don't have any trouble telling anyone that even my family. If the family cant understand that then oh well. My kid my family my rules.

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Personally I cant see where too many men, especially in his position would just go and want to hold someones baby or infant. Now I could see his wife probably holding the baby and then saying to him,"here honey, you hold him". But for him to just out of the blue come in and want to hold your child that would just be ODD IMO. I dont think you have to much to worry about. BUT, if he does then:

 

You just stick to your guns and tell him outright "Id prefer you not hold him." Even tell him you dont want the child to get use to going to strangers and a lot of people have already been holding him.

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