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mister crabs

Hangover Ratings System

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One Star Hangover (*)

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function

relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5

cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a

steak & fries.

 

 

Two Star Hangover (**)

 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but

you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are

chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still

tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House

excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your

bowels.

 

 

Three Star Hangover (***)

 

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not

productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume

reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends

dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in

your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a

gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed

once.

 

 

Four Star Hangover (****)

 

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or

else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being

late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice

clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side

of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on

while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,

and even your hair hurts. Your [language filter] is in perpetual spasm, and

the first of about five sh**s you take during the day brings water

to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

 

 

Five Star Hangover (*****) (puke)

 

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every

pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the

corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the

remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to

generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the

foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this

morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like

discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The

sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water

all over your [language filter]. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

 

*****

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

 

*****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;

 

Loquacious; Transubstantiate

*****

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

6.) Sorry I'm being such a [language filter].

>------------------------------------------

 

 

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...

 

(jail)

but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, '[language filter], That was fun!.'

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