Know any good jokes?

[Randy-S]

yo mama so fat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

people jog around her for exercise!

[racefan]

Three buddies were at deer hunting camp

Bob, Jim, Roger & Clint

Bob snored REAL loud.

They drew straws to see who slept in Bobs tent the first night. Roger lost.

The next morning Roger crawled out of the tent, red eyed, hair on end, said he stayed up all night from Bob's snoring.

The next night was Clint's turn.

Next morning Clint was cranky as all get out from lack of sleep due to Bob's snoring.

The last night at camp was Jim's turn.

Next morning Jim awoke all bright eyed bushy tailed & feeling great!

Roger & Clint were amazed. How did you sleep through that freight train they asked?

Easy Jim said. "When Bob got in his sleeping bag, I just leaned over patted him on the rear,kissed his cheek good night & he sat up all night nervously staring at me.

[luv951]

Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties?

 

He was a real fungi

[Fish]

What kind of bees give you milk?

 

 

 

 

BooBees...

[fly guy]

Dear abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

[Ryan]

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

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Poker Face

[Frank]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Sheri. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

 

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home.

 

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it a gainst a metal surface at the same time; I'd get

the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Sheri what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thin king that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another.

 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ?

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

"no possible way!"

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again.

 

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in th e oddest position,

and tingling in my legs?

 

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard

before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,

stupid, do it again!"

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you

zap yourself!

 

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

 

A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

 

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be

sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits

(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent

reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up

there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed

88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward

for their safe return!! Still in shock!

 

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

[impur]

The UW football team was placed in a remedial English class.

The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"

All of the players raised their hands.

"The appeal," they shouted with pride.

[racefan]

Do you know how to keep ducks out of your yard?

 

 

Put up a goal post.

(sorry impur,nothing personal, just have to defend us Washingtonians)

Actually I don't have a leg to stand on as my son is getting ready to transfer to WSU in Jan. talk about a sucky football teamDOH!

[impur]

haha no need to say sorry its all in fun

[SquishyDuck]

An elderly couple, who were celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary, was being interviewed by a local television morning show. The interviewer said to the couple, "Seventy years? That's impressive. I am sure our viewers at home would love some advice on how to stay together that long. So tell me, how do you two deal with the inevitable little arguments that come up from time to time?"

 

The man answered, "We don't argue, ma-am."

 

The interviewer replied, "You don't argue? You are telling me that in all those 70 years, you have never had an argument?"

 

"No, ma-am."

 

"How can that be?"

 

The man glanced at his wife and then explained:

 

You see, for our honeymoon we took a trip to the Grand Canyon. We decided while we were there to take the mule ride down into the Canyon. Part of the way down, my wife's mule stumbled on the path. She got down from that mule, looked it square in the eye and said, "That's One." Then she climbed back up on that mule and away we went. A little while later, her mule stumbled again. And again, she climbed down, looked it square in the eye and said, "That's Two." We continued our ride, and a little while later, her mule stumbled yet again. My wife climbed down, looked that mule square in the eye, pulled her .38 revolver out of her purse and shot that mule dead where it stood.

 

The next week when I returned to work, the boys from the office decided to take me out for a celebratory drink. Well, one drink lead to two, two lead to three, and so on. I returned home around 2:00 am, stinking of whiskey. There was a cold dinner sitting on the table with candles burned down to the nub. My wife came into the room, looked me square in the eye and said, "That's One."

 

And I can honestly say that in our 70 years of marriage, I have never argued with my wife.

[CA2OR]

now that is funny

[orion]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE:

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

 

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

 

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

 

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

 

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[orion]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest

Airlines from Denver to Dallas. The son (who had been

looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,

why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her

son to ask the flight attendant.

 

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the

flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big

cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby

planes?"

 

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell

you to ask me that?"

 

The boy said, "Yes, she did......" "Well,

then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes

because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain

that to you."

[Isaac]

That gave me a good laugh Orion.

 

I have a good friend named Orion. I don't hear that name to often.

[orion]

It's my son's name, actually. And that's partially why we chose it...not too weird, but unique enough that there won't be 12 of him in his kindergarten class. heh

[Lowman]

A few Senior Moments

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.... He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

 

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

 

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman alre ady dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital=2 0gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the20kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it d own, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodnes s sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful''

=0 A

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful..'

One more. . ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

=0 A